Abandonment issues

I had (have?) a friend I went to kindergarten with. She moved to the outskirts of the city when we were about 5 years old. We then haven't talked to each other too often but she invited me to her birthday parties to which I gladly went.

When we were ten, I had a chance to go to the same 8-year secondary school as her. But I didn't get in and ended up staying at the school I knew. There were still her birthday parties during the summer, but as we got older, they somehow fizzled out. She also went to the US for a whole school year before the graduation year which didn't really help staying in touch. I remember that we tried having Skype sessions but due to technical difficulties, we were not able to have more than one (maybe two).

The first year of college, we went to universities in close physical proximity. We were in contact more often than ever before (at least it felt so to me) and I was so happy. But at the same time kind of sad because I knew she was going to study in the Netherlands during the following years and maybe even stay there indefinitely. I hoped we would stay in touch and to an extent we did, but I guess it was not enough for me when I knew what it felt like to speak to her so often over that one year she was near me. Over the years when she studied abroad, we still saw each other once or twice during the summer holidays and once during the Christmas holidays, but it just wasn't the same.

Then I went to therapy. I had five sessions and probably the only thing that I will remember from them is how the words "She abandoned me" bursted out of my mouth. Never before the thought entered my mind but when I said it out loud, I knew it was how I truly felt. So yeah, I feel abandoned by her and I feel abandoned by my high school friends and my college classmates who started talking to me and then not even two years later they stopped. And now I feel abandoned by my coworkers who were forced to go to another building because there was not enough place in the old one. But I stayed and frankly didn't really want to relocate there. (Which weirdly reminds me of one summer camp when I was about 7 years old and cried hysterically because I wanted to just be with people who clearly didn't want to be with me exactly because I was crying my eyes out.)

I feel sad and lonely and not wanted just because people who I once could talk for hours with, moved on and moved away. I stayed volunterily yet somehow I still blame them for leaving me here. I'm a needy selfish sad sad little monster.

Džejn.