Mental health problems are an explanation, not an excuse

People who leave you crying on the floor because they've seen you in that state many times before, have the right to do so. People who don't want to listen to your problems, have the right to do so. People who need to stop being in contact with you to preserve their own mental health, have the right to do so. And you can't blame them for abandoning you. You have to let them go.

I take pride in my mental health issues. Sometimes. But at the same time I'm afraid my messed up behaviour will cost me everything one day. My family, my job, my few friends and at the end - my life.

I'm a selfish piece of shit. I admit that. And I'm fucking exhausting to be around every day. I'm unreliable, because my moods can swing from elevation to depression in minutes. I'm unpredictable, at times impulsive, with self-harm ideation and victim-like state of mind. I feel like a prisoner in my own head, unable to comprehend what's happening to my perception of the world around me and of myself.

The thing is, I don't think asking for professional help is a weakness. I'm glad other people do it and find it helpful. But something in me is so much against me feeling okay that I can't seem to push myself to go and get treated for whatever it is I have. But I know I can't expect people to stay and help me fight my fights when I can't even be bothered to try to get better. And I know I should apologize for acting the way I do but most of the time I can't bring myself to even do that. Because I feel ashamed and then again hate myself for being who I am. And the cycle continues.

Until one day, every human in my vicinity will have enough of my self pity and self-destructive behaviour. And then I'll be finally left alone to do whatever I wanted to for years.

Džejn.